Being a single mother... (1)

Hola soulsista,


I'm pretty harsh to myself when posted this blog.. I'm titling myself as a single mother.. but..

IT. IS. A. FACT... 

Crying like a river? --> Checked

Devastated? --> Checked

Zombie? --> Checked

Not eating?  --> Checked

Praying hard ?--> Checked

Fixing things? ---> Checked

In denial? ---> Checked

Everybody felt pity for me..yeah .. and honestly it makes me sick and embarrassed...enough of me being pity to myself..

Come to think of it..pity means that they could feel the sadness and trying at their best to show their concerns which I really need it during my early stage of devastation..

1st phase just passing by...

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Come 2nd phase..

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People keep asking me to work it out with the husband..

Who's on earth doesn't want to do that...?

I've tried.. but married to stone-cold heart guy..it is not easy..seriously  it.is.not.easy.. Tho I know he loves me..but his love towards me was not enough to bend his ego or his so-called-principle. He's willing to let me go and lives alone all by himself rather that fixing it between me , my family and his family..


He doesn't buy the thought of,

 " Marrying her, marrying her family"

For him.. He's only married to ME..my family doesn't include in his combo.. Hence, he didn't feel anything's wrong when he gave me an option,

"Either me or your family"

As a daughter ..first in the house.. and have had a history of tarnishing my family's name by eloping with him to Thailand (Yeah, in Thailand, and registered in KL afterwards).. I thought to myself..

"Enough of me breaking my family's heart...AGAIN"

I love him, I know both of us could work it out , sort things out cause both of us wanted to give a second chance to our marriage..

But,

I'm not ready to decide...with this condition.. 

and he just,

Being stone cold heart, impatient and couldn't wait for me..for him it is NOW or NEVER

I couldn't choose "NOW" and he gave me "NEVER"......

Am i devastated?
Obviously..felt like my head cracked whenever I cried..


Do I regret not choosing "NOW" when the offers still there.. ?
No answer for that..sometimes I do regret, sometimes I don't..cause why he's the only one who has right and should make the offer?  Marriage is all about compromising not dictating...


All I could do now is moving on, move forward, preparing myself to be a single mother


He once told me..I was too stubborn to follow his plan.. (which is choosing him and cut off my family)

Am I being stubborn? Am I considered traitorous, un-loyal wife?

I don't think so..I'm not choosing either options...cause I feel it is not right and irrational for me to be given that option...

I'M HUMAN.... 

I HAVE HEART...

I DON'T WANT TO BE STONE COLD HEART LIKE WHAT HE HAS...